Cease To Exist
by Agent22861
Summary: What Sydney is thinking during the end of 'The Telling'. OneShort Fic... VERY ANGSTY


A/N: Hey All!!! First off, let me start by telling you what happened. I came into the series literally two new episodes ago and I had no clue what was going on so I bought first season on DVD.  
  
Well I got hooked from the very first episode and, not wanting to be left with a cliff hanger season finale, I went and bought the second season on DVD before I even finished the first season (confusing I know. Lol). Well, little did I know, the second season finale was the biggest cliff hanger I have ever seen in my ENTIRE life on any show or movie in this world!  
  
So now I have to just watch half way through this season and wait till the next box set comes out to actually see what happened next (I know what happened because I've read the transcripts online but still, I gotta see it! : ) ). So when I ended the second season, it literally made me cry and I have been left with the thoughts of what Sydney must have been going through and this is what I came up with.  
  
Now this is my fist Alias Fic, so please, be a little gentle. I really hope you enjoy this. This was really for my sake then anything else. The end of "The Telling" really had me in a writing mood and I couldn't help but wonder what Sydney was thinking through all of this.  
  
You can consider this a post 'The Telling' if you want, its after she finds out that she has been but she is still in that room in the end of that episode. This is my take on what went through her mind when sitting there being told that her life has just been taken from her for two years. So enjoy and PLEASE review.  
  
Disclaimers: I do not own any of these characters and yadda, yadda, yadda... Have fun!  
  
Cease To Exist  
  
Two days ago....  
  
Two days ago I found myself sitting in your car, looking into your beautiful green eyes as you kissed me goodnight. You had told me that you had finally booked our tickets to Santa Barbara, three nights together starting that night. There would be no missions, no CIA, just you and me, finally getting our first date. Well, second date if you included our totally disastrous first attempt.  
  
The thought of our first outing still brings a smile to my face. A smile that makes me cry for all that we have seemed to of lost and a smile that brings me peace for the fact that I was lucky enough have you when I did. Even so, it is not enough. It never could be and never will be enough after what you have just told me....  
  
How could it, things are different now, and no matter how badly I want to change it, no matter how badly I want to scream and shout, kick and cry, and blame you for what you have done, I cant.  
  
Two Months ago....  
  
Two months ago I would have been the one by your side, holding your hand and helping you through what ever mission that needed to be done if it hadn't been for the fact of what you have just told me. Two months ago it probably would have been me in those photographs that you seem to cherish so much and look so fondly at.  
  
I would still be your one and only, or am I still?  
  
We could have been happy together, I'm sure of it, and yet the gods seem to have an everlasting grudge against me, for they love to see me suffer. So no, it is not me holding your hand and helping you through hard times. No, instead she gets that privilege.  
  
I will later come to find that it is not your fault for moving on, that in reality, I had done the same thing when Danny had died. How can I judge you for something that I myself had done?  
  
The feeling to want to bury yourself in something else in order to get rid of the things that you though that you could never have is natural, only you didn't find something else to lose yourself in... you found someone else. When I lost Danny, I lost myself in my work.  
  
I tried to justify my actions, my job, by thinking that if I could just go on one more mission that I would be only this much closer to bringing down SD-6, thus killing my lover's killer. When I met you, well, you just happened to be a bonus. So yes, I know for a fact that I will later learn to come to terms with the fact that you only did what was necessary to keep yourself real, to keep yourself from dying inside, but for now, I can't help but hate you.  
  
I want to yell at you, to scream and rant and rave about how much I loved you (excuse me, love you, because I could never stop loving you), and about how you betrayed me. I want to hit you and cry while simultaneously yelling things at you just to hurt you in order to make you feel at least a fraction of how much you have hurt me.  
  
I want to tell you that you cause nothing but pain and that your love was the only thing that probably kept me alive and yet here you were, with another woman... a woman who isn't me. I want to make you feel the pain I feel, physically and mentally. I want to rip your soul apart and torture you mind with things that you could have had if you just held on a little longer... things that you will NEVER ever have...  
  
I want to bring memories into you mind that hurt you so badly that it paralyzes you at night, freezing you to the point that you can't even breathe.... And yet I can't.  
  
Two Years ago...  
  
Two years ago I would have laughed in your face like this was some kind of joke; a mere miscommunication or a small concussion in which would have caused this type of reaction upon you seeing me. Only, to me, two years ago was two days ago.  
  
Your sitting here in front of me, silently crying for something that you had lost a long time ago, was it me and my love, or are you crying for the life you now know that we can never have together? Perhaps you are crying for the fact that maybe you have lost yourself somewhere in these past two years.  
  
When you just told me that I have been missing for two years, seeing that ring upon you finger, I want to lash out at you and ask you what the hell you are crying for. Obviously you moved on, you are married now, you have someone else to love now, someone that isn't me.... I'm the one that should be crying. I'm the one that has lost two years of my life in which I can't even remember...  
  
I have the right to cry but you, no, you have no right to cry. At least right now I feel that you don't. You've had two years to cry, it should be my turn now. Like I said, I know that later in time, when I sort this all out in my head, I will forgive you, but right now there are no words to describe my feelings for you.  
  
A million words run across my mind, words in which captivate me and make me just stare at you, lost in my own world, a world in which I will someday find out that I had retreated to often in order to escape the horrors that awaited me.  
  
Words like lies and pain, broken and betrayal, shattered and corrupted, but the biggest one of all is anger and hate. Those two words seem to stick out the most.  
  
Lies, because I'm still waiting for you to tell me that this is just some sick and twisted joke.  
  
Pain, because that is all I feel right now, lots of pain.  
  
Broken, because out of all the things that I have been through in my life, through all of the lies and the torture sessions that I went through on missions that happened to go wrong, I never broke once, and with those few word you just said to me, in side of my heart, you have successfully broken me.  
  
Betrayal, because I feel like you gave up too soon. I though that you loved me, and yet here you are, sitting in front of me, tears in you eyes at the memory of losing me, and yet here you aren't, all I see is a man that vowed his love to another woman, a man I love.... And a woman who isn't me.  
  
Shattered and corrupted because you shattered my barrier and corrupted my soul, taunting and tainting me with things that I will never have again.  
  
And most of all anger and hate because I hate you right now and want to do nothing more then to make you pay for the course of your actions.  
  
But here I sit, in a small cold room, looking at you through the eyes of a stranger, because that is all that I am anymore, a stranger, to you and to myself. Never again will I be the same and all because of you....  
  
All because no matter what, no matter how many lies I am subjected to, no matter how much pain I go through, no matter how broken I have become or how betrayed I feel, no matter how much you shatter and corrupt me, and no matter how angry I am at you, I will always hate myself because I know in side that I will always love you.  
  
A part of me will always hate you too, even though it is not your fault, for the life that I will never have with you, for the love that I will never share with you and for the mornings and smiles that will be wasted without you.  
  
No matter what, it'll always be you.  
  
I hate you Michael, for you have taken away the only thing that I had left to offer you, the one true thing that kept me real... you took away my love Vaughn, and for that.... Inside, I cease to exist....  
  
A/N: So? What did you guys think? PLEASE REVIEW. Though this is a one shot fic, I can promise more fics to come. I'm in a very Alias writing mood like I said. Lol. Hope you guys liked that. Let me know what you think. Thank you all. 


End file.
